Oh No: A Realization

Why yes I am updating at an unprecedented rate but that's not what's important here, what's important here is that I came to a Realization™ and it Explains Everything but has also filled me with Existential Despair (hence the emphasized capitalization for appropriate dramatic effect).

I have struggled throughout my entire writing career to write as much original fiction, with as much joy and consistency, as I write fanfiction. I have struggled throughout my entire writing career to complete my original fiction the way I complete fanfiction (at a frankly insane rate). In the past three months ALONE I wrote 185k words of COMPLETED FANFICTION. 

It took me approximately two years—or ten years, depending on how you look at it—to write 40k of my novel.

And today, as I was brushing my teeth, the reason why hit me like an ANVIL. 

I am a character driven writer. I don't really care about plot except as a vehicle for character development and relationships! Therefore, fanfiction (which is about the characters more than anything else), is incredibly appealing and fulfilling for me!

Original fiction, on the other hand, requires me to be invested enough in my characters to want to write about them. And unfortunately, as these characters exist in my head and I have not spent [insert egregious amount of time here] hyperfixating and consuming content about them, I simply do. not. care.

(Well, I don't care enough. And nobody else cares enough, which is part two of my problem: I thrive off of engagement the way my body thrives off of oxygen. Hard to get that with OG fiction I am not allowed to post lest it sabotage the potential for publication). 

Which means the probability of my completing original fiction or writing with consistency and passion and dedication? SLIM TO NONE.

Cool I'm going to go cry into my pillow now. 

But Sumayyah, I hear you saying, why don't you just write fanfiction and then change enough details that it's safe to claim it and market it as original fiction a la Cass!e Cl@re and other authors? And to that I say:  

In essence, I'm SCREWED. I would like to rescind the writerly instinct that was given to me. Clearly it was intended purely to torture me with everything I want but cannot have because of the way I Am As A Person. 

​Nice.